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February 2026

the 2nd

today i have cried twice. once when my boyfriend was helping me clean my room. it was after the room was already much cleaner and i was feeling a sense of accomplishment. i am always going to feel at war with a bedroom of mine. especially when i am cleaning it up.

cleaning was always something that made me feel like something was wrong with me when i was little. i didn't understand why it was hard for me and i knew i was making life harder for my mom who loved me so much. she would let me know both of these things while we were both feeling huge emotions about my messy 3rd grade bedroom. it had orange and green walls and my bedsheets were purple with white polkadots. i had a much bigger bedroom than my brother because i was a girl. when i was little that meant i would dance for hours in my room and when i was older it felt like i could hide in there forever because i had so much space.

with a move on my horizon, i want to feel capable to keep a space clean and to have a bedroom that is cool like the ones i see online. being with oliver and being successful with him and he understands why its hard for me probably better than i do and also he lets me cry reminds me why he is my favorite person. i am working hard at work and on this online class i will probably be quitting but i am also working hard on accepting where perhaps i have limits that others don't. at the end of the day i strive to be one of the crowd so that's a tough pill to swallow.

the second time i cried was because someone i really look up to messaged my band on instagram because he wants to listen to our music. i think he followed us after secondary colors posted a short video clip of us playing at the set we did together at paris bar. he runs the local music programming at wdet. it's not like this is a big break or anything, he hasn't even heard our music. and if he were to play it there would likely be no material gain for us. but wdet was like a kingdom to me as a kid i loved visiting when my mom would volunteer and then go to avalon bakery afterward. it is maybe the only constant media that i have consumed my entire life (maybe also the talking heads too). the tastes of the uber special wdet music dj has always seemed untouchable. i feel touched he is interested in us.

the paris bar show we played brought lots of moments like that. it was the first time the band played a set with similar bands, and so it was the first time a majority of the crowd was already looking for music similar to ours. people told us we were special. people told us they were excited by us. people came up to me to say they were surprised they had never heard us before. in a period of low self esteem like the one i am in right now, i was on cloud nine. i kept bowing to everyone to give my thanks; the gratitude fell out of my body. i hope that i see them at another show because now that i know there are people who like are music without even caring about us as people, it feels real. i am incredibly motivated to have really good sets for our first out-of-state gig in March. this has been a long one.

January 2026

the 22nd

time is moving as it always does… my life has gotten very busy. i am working very hard on taking things one step at a time. there are many potential paths for my life to go down that i am hurtling towards right now, and it makes me feel as if i am going to break. i have never done well with even small decisions, and though i've gotten better, these feel Big.

i have become aware in the past couple months of how i avoid thinking about the uncomfortable (this surprised me, given my tendencies to ruminate). right now, i see that as a feather in my cap to get through a couple months of high-expectations. the avoidance will definitely have to go away someday, but i have found this new tendency to be really helping me in this moment.

here are the things i have been busy with, if it intrigues the reader: i am currently taking courses through msu online to learn how to use arcGIS and some other geospatial mapping technologies. the course isn't run very well but i have already spent money on the first of four, and i feel the cost has been sunk. at work i have taken on some new admin responsibilities, and the conference that i assist with is happening in a couple weeks. it feels like people make problems by breaking clear rules and then giving me the mess to clean up. i have to find ways to stretch deadlines and magically make venues bigger. its awesome. NOT! but genuinely the job is enjoyable i think. i also am interviewing for a position in chicago. i think i would enjoy the job enough. it has really good benefits and is in grant writing which i think i would enjoy doing. we will see. wish me luck! i don't know if it will be lucky to get the job or to be rejected. moving will be very good for me, but has a high chance of breaking me. time will tell. i am strong.

the 12th

hi guys! i have lots of murky emotions so i thought turning to the blog and being vulnerable may prove to be helpful. since i've returned to michigan from my trip i have had a growing sense of unrest and a return to emotions and sensations i had hoped i had left behind in my many therapy and doctor appointments. i've spent a lot of time trying to distance myself from this all consuming ickiness i am currently experiencing.

it feels scary to be in this position again. but also it feels upsetting to have this backslide mentally, and then have chronic conditions flare up from the stress. i felt safe in the understanding that a hard time was behind me, and that is no longer my view. my less rational self sees this a proof that i am inherently heartless, nonfunctional, sick. my rational side understands that progress is non-linear yaddah yaddah but this back-and-forth of my thoughts results in feeling like i cannot have trust in myself.

there has been no rereading of this post, and i am very likely to reread this (or really, any of these posts) and archive it. we shall see! my hope is that i am not a freak and others have/are gone/going through this. lmk because even though i'm not new to this the cycle always feels alien!

the 6th

first post of the new year! i had a lovely time with my boyfriend and his family for the new year in wisconsin (i tried curling for the first time!), and i got home just a couple of days ago. i've hit the ground running since!

jan 4, the day after i got back, my band played a show with quality cinema club (det) and instrument (chi). we played at the field office, which is a venue in eastern market that is also a construction office in the day. there were stacks of old televisions surrounding the stage, and the organizers of the show would switch between xbox music graphics and nature documentaries to the time of the music between sets. it was very cool and made me feel like a real performer. watching instrument play was amazing. they are so talented and i am excited for what they bring with their ep that is coming out. their instagram is @instrument.go if you are interested in following them.

really the only people there were my friends. which is awesome and intimate and a lot of our songs are really fueled by the people who attended so it was particularly beautiful. i feel very lucky to have fun and be creative in a way that i can share with my friends. it feels funny to have them say they are 'proud of me,' when i am just doing what i do. that is so special.

then yesterday i had work and worked like a machine :p but after work i hung with my roommates and instrument, and they eventually all came on yumna's and my radio show and instrument even performed a live set! lots of people i love but rarely see showed up. not very often do i get to experience my friends in an organic way now that i've graduated from college. i was trying to really indulge in the experience of being surrounded by my friends in an Easy Way. makes me want to live in a big city where things are walkable and perhaps require less logistics.

leaving this extended weekend and entering this shortened week feeling ready to collaborate artistically with my bandmates, yumna, the rest of my friends. feeling excited to be around some old friends later this week. feeling lukcy and loved and aware of my limited youth — in a way that makes me excited to be in it now and not in a way that dreads leaving it.

December 2025

the 23rd

it's been a while! i haven't abandoned this project, i just feel like i have to focus on other things with timliness and a project of this nature unfortunately is the first to be taken off of my schedule in these times...

i am writing this from my grandparent's couch in indiana. so far all most of my time here has been spent in the kitchen making cookies or keeping a different woman of the family company while she is making something for christmas eve. and some job search stuff. i am going to will my way into a job in the city i want to move to. i may not be moving the most strategically but boy does this sure take up a large amount of my brainspace.

the new year is coming. solstice has gone. i have a long train ride to see my brother and boyfriend in wisconsin soon and i plan on indulging in some website work and writing about this transition between years. look out for that, i suppose! i am excited to go to the great north, and see my great brother. the holiday have always put me into a (bigger) ball of anxiety, so i am wishing an easy christmas to me, but also to you and yours.

the 12th

hello again! i have been feeling so reinvigorated creatively from this "confettigirl" project. i told myself i was not allowed to work on it yesterday, because i do think that i would have tweaked it all day if i had the chance. instead, i made a hat-thing (my roommate called it a scoodie? scarf hoodie?). i experienced a similar all-consuming creative motivation that i felt while building this site.

i had been missing that feeling for such a long time! i've had bursts, this was different in the way that i felt sustained by the process of creation, rather than the opportunity to experience completion and achievement in having a finished project.

these past couple of months have been pessimistic planet for me, with so much time spent on getting a Big Girl Job begetting dire results. i am enjoying getting some return (cute webpage) on investment (learning css). writing directly into an html document feels so alien and reminds me of writing letters on the typewriter at nelp. i am not really rereading any of this at all.

what i mean to say is that i am glad that i am doing this. it is so awesome to watch my friends make their sites, and how theirs are so obviously theirs i couldn't replicate the charms of their sites if you gave me a billion years!

having control over something that is mine from scratch (!) is a needed way to celebrate my individual tastes and perspective. AND a needed place for me to hone what that perspective is, exactly.

we shall see what this section of the site is going to look like. i know i want a more casual/personal writing section, and another for creative pieces, but i am going to have to feel it out. and decide how intimate i want to be on the w.w.w.

the 10th

writing this post to just make it not so intimidating. it feels similar to writing in a brand new journal; i have a habit of skipping the first page with intentions to go back and write a little about where that journal followed me to and what i learned while having it, but i always end up putting that in the final pages of the journal and leaving that first page white and blank.

websites don't exactly have pages (lol) that you can ignore, so this is me breaking the ice.

i had a tough moment with a family member today, where i once again was reminded that the surefire way to leaving a conversation with what you should get is to ignore and remain aloof. which is hard. i care too much to have that come easily. i am feeling especially grateful for the people in my life i get to be emotional and passionate around right now. and grateful for the projects that i get to love as well -- like this one! xx